


children, behave

by SyntheticRevenge



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Pre-Canon, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 17:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18035918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyntheticRevenge/pseuds/SyntheticRevenge
Summary: “Just--what if dad finds out we snuck out?” Luther asks, whispering the last two words.“You’re such a baby,” Diego says, rolling his eyes.(or, four times the Hargreeves kids snuck out together over the years)





	children, behave

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't finished a fic in a solid 2+ years but hey, these assholes inspired me.

**11**

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Luther hisses, like their father can hear them this far out of the house, and like it’s gonna make a difference. The night feels colder than usual this time of year, more exciting. Electric, even, cuz they’re out and they’re not supposed to be, and they can’t stop smiling at each other, small and discreet.

“Why did you come, then?” Five asks. 

“Because I’m the leader,” Luther says, shrugging like it’s obvious. “I gotta protect you guys.”

“We can go to the park without protection,” Diego says.

“No, it’s late at night--”

“It’s only 8:30,” Diego snaps back.

“Closer to 8:40, actually,” Five says, and Diego sticks his tongue out at him. “Precision is important.”

“Luther just came cuz of  _ Allison _ ,” Klaus says, singing Allison’s name, and she smacks him hard in the back of the head. “Ow! Luther! Protect me!”

“Just--what if dad finds out we snuck out?” Luther asks, whispering the last two words.

“You’re such a baby,” Diego says, rolling his eyes.

“Seconded,” Five says, smirking at him. 

“Thirded,” Klaus says, raising a hand. 

“Besides, it’s good if he finds out,” Five says. “Sends a message.”

“Oooh. No, don’t agree with that,” Klaus says, shaking his head vigorously. 

“Look, it doesn’t matter, we’re already here,” Five says, shrugging. “If we get in trouble, we get in trouble. Too late to do anything about it.”

“Fair enough,” Ben says, softly, from his spot right behind Klaus.

“You scared?” Klaus asks him, in barely a whisper, and he feels Ben’s shoulder shrug against his back in response. “It’s okay.”

“So...what now?” Vanya asks, from behind all of them, and they all turn.

“You invited her?” Diego asks Five, full volume.

“Of course I did,” Five says, turning the full force of his scowl on Diego. “She’s our sister.”

“Yeah, but--”

“She belongs here,” Five says, slow and pronounced, stretching slightly onto his toes to look Diego in the eye. “Don’t be a cock.”

“It’s ‘dick’,” Allison says, matter-of-factly, at the same time Klaus says “Isn’t it ‘boner’?”

“They’re interchangeable,” Five says, quickly and defensively. “God, read a book.”

“I’m pretty sure ‘boner’ isn’t the same as ‘cock’,” Klaus says, rubbing his chin.

“I am not going to debate the semantics of penis insults with you,” Five says. “Okay?”

“It’s not the same,” Ben says.

“Thank you,” Klaus says.

“Are we going to...do anything? Now that we’re out?” Allison asks, crossing her arms. “Or was this just to prove we  _ could _ .”

“I didn’t plan this far ahead,” Five says. “So I guess it’s just proof.”

“Booooring,” Klaus sings, smirking down at him.

“It’s  _ cold _ ,” Ben adds, and Allison hums in agreement, causing Luther to subtly try to shift closer and warm her. 

Diego sticks a finger down his throat and mimes vomiting, and Klaus snorts watching him. 

“Where’d Vanya go?” Five asks, turning back to where she’d been standing. 

“She probably stormed off to have one of her stupid jealousy meltdowns,” Diego says, waving a hand.

“ _ Asshole _ ,” Five says through his teeth, shoving Diego in the chest. 

“Stop it,” Luther says, pulling Diego back by the collar as he moves to hit back.

“He started it!” Diego shouts, wriggling in Luther’s grip. 

“Yeah, I’m stopping it!” Luther shouts back. “Dad’ll  _ know _ we snuck out if you two are all beat up tomorrow.”

“Let go of me or it won’t be Five I take out,” Diego growls.

“Like you could get anywhere close to even  _ touching _ me,” Five says, smirking, making Diego jolt towards him again, Luther still firmly holding him in place.

Diego stomps hard on Luther’s foot, making him let go and silently double over in pain, and fully throws himself at Five, who just warps a foot out of the way before lightly flicking the back of Diego’s head. 

“ _ Stop _ ,” Luther shouts, sounding a little more like a pleading whine than a command.

“Be nicer to Vanya,” Five shouts, ducking under a right hook from Diego and warping behind him, kicking him in the back of the knee and sending him to the ground. “It’s not her fault she’s normal.”

“It’s her fault she’s annoying about it,” Diego says, kicking at Five’s legs.

“Allison…” Luther says, looking down at her. 

“I got it,” she says, sighing. “Hey, assholes, I heard a rumor you stopped fighting and we went home.”

* * *

 

**13**

“He’ll come back,” Luther says, not for the first time. They’re all huddled together on a park bench, facing the Manhattan skyline with their shoulders pressed together. “Like Klaus said, he’s not dead, so--”

“Klaus doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Ben says, staring at the ground and working the toe of his shoe into the pavement.

“I told you, I wasn’t high when I looked for him,” Klaus says, softly, acrid smoke trailing from between his lips. They’ve been having this back-and-forth all day. “I wanted to find him.”

“You don’t give a shit about  _ anyone _ ,” Ben says, softly, gripping the underside of the bench. 

“Hey,” Klaus says, but doesn’t follow it up with anything but a really long hit.

“I hate that smell,” Allison says, and Vanya chimes in a “Me too”, like she’s suddenly been allowed to voice her opinion just because someone else did.

“I’m grieving,” Klaus says, flatly. 

“He’ll come back,” Luther says again, more insistently, and Diego slams the bench with an open palm, shoving himself to his feet and whirling around to face Luther.

“I swear, if you say that  _ one more time _ ,” he says, leaning in close to Luther, finger in his face.

“What? What are you gonna do?” Luther asks, standing up and flexing. Diego raises his chin defiantly, pulling a knife out of his back holster.

“I will jam this so deep into your skull--” Diego starts, raising it to just under Luther’s eye. Klaus leans forward, chin in his hand, watching raptly, and Allison smacks him hard in the back of the head.

“Don’t encourage them,” she hisses, and Klaus rolls his eyes and leans back.

“God, grow a pair,” he whispers, and she hits him again. 

“What am I supposed to say?” Luther asks, a little desperately, spreading his arms in a gesture of surrender. “What do you  _ want _ from me? You want me to tell you he’s gone forever or probably dead? I’m just trying to make this less--” He shrugs, helplessly. “Less.”

“Repeating the same bullshit over and over doesn’t make anything better,” Diego says, voice low, but he shoves his knife back where it came from.

“He’s not dead,” Vanya says, louder than even she expected, judging by her expression. 

“Yeah? How do you know?” Diego asks, sitting back down hard, Luther sinking back into the bench slowly after him.

“I just...do,” she says, shrugging. “I mean, maybe he really did it. Time traveled.”

“I hope the future’s worth it, then,” Diego says, shrugging. 

“He’ll be fine,” Allison says, putting a hand on Ben’s back. He’s been crying quietly for a while. 

“I know,” Ben chokes out, nodding. 

“If Five can run away, why can’t we?” Klaus asks, absently, and they all fall silent for a moment. “Anyone? Nothing?”

“You know we can’t,” Luther says, slowly, evenly. “It’s not the same for us.”

“Why do you even wanna run away so bad?” Diego asks, turning to Klaus. “You don’t  _ do  _ anything.”

Klaus shrugs, hugs himself with the arm he’s not smoking with. “Nevermind. Stupid question.”

“Can we go home?” Ben asks, collecting himself with a few deep breaths. “This sucks.”

* * *

**15**

It’s their birthday, and not even their mom said a single word to them about it, so Diego decided they were all gonna go to Griddy’s and drown the disappointment in donuts. They’re all packed into a booth by the window, Luther doing his ‘we shouldn’t be doing this’ sigh every thirty seconds or so, just to remind them.

“I just don’t get why mom wouldn’t just tell us happy birthday,” Diego says, apropos of nothing, drumming his fingers on the table and staring out the window.

“Probably cuz dad told her not to,” Vanya says, shrugging, staring at the table.

“She’s still got autonomy, I mean, if she’s that scared of him, then…” Diego says, face hardening. 

“She’s a robot, Diego,” Allison says, leaning back so fast she smacks the back of the seat and crossing her arms. 

“She has  _ feelings _ , Allison, we…!” Diego says, throwing his arms up and letting them fall. “Fine, whatever, you know I’m always down to blame dad.”

“Why is dad taking  _ birthdays _ from us?” Ben asks, making a face. “Is  _ nothing _ sacred?”

“We’re too old to still care about things like birthdays,” Luther says, shaking his head. “He’s right.”

“We’re still kids, though, we’re  _ not _ too old,” Vanya says.

“Yeah, agreed,” Allison says. “God knows we’re not allowed to enjoy anything else.”

Klaus laughs, vacantly, head resting on the window. “The only thing dad can’t truly ever take away from us is good ol’ fashioned jerking off.”

“Gross,” Ben mutters, gently elbowing Klaus in the ribs.

“I’m sure he’ll find a way,” Diego says, smirking. “You know him.”

“Are you  _ really  _ not having a birthday donut?” Ben asks Klaus, softly, nudging him again.

“Mmm. No. I keep feeling bits of bile rising from my stomach like a lava lamp. It’s very,  _ very _ unappetizing,” Klaus mutters back. 

Ben sighs heavily and leans his elbows on the table. “Fifteen’s the most boring age.”

“Why?” Allison asks, laughing.

“No, I get it,” Vanya says, half-smiling at Ben. “Sixteen is like, sweet sixteen, and seventeen is--”

“Dancing queen,” Klaus says, and then starts singing under his breath.

“Yeah,” Ben says. “And then eighteen’s, you know, the big one. So fifteen is just...stuck.”

“Like us,” Vanya says. “Too old for birthdays, apparently--”

“Too young for everything else,” Ben finishes. “A stupid, stupid age.”

“Fuckin’ emos,” Diego says, smiling as he shoves Ben’s head down across the table. “Lighten up.”

“Says the guy who’s been upset all day cuz his mommy didn’t sing him happy birthday,” Allison says, laughing as Diego shoves her shoulder.

“We deserve better, that’s all,” Diego says.

“When has  _ that _ ever mattered?” Klaus asks.

“Also, do we? Deserve better?” Ben asks, hugging himself. 

“Why wouldn’t we?” Allison asks, shrugging, looking genuinely taken aback.

“We’ve hurt so many people.”

“Yeah,  _ bad _ people,” Luther says, and Diego nods vigorously in agreement, then looks a little disgusted that he’s agreeing with Luther. “We’re saving lives.”

“By killing people,” Ben says, flatly, aggressively stabbing his finger into his plate to try and pick up crumbs. “Okay.”

“Again,  _ the bad guys _ ,” Diego says. “Come on, lighten up, we’re superheroes. Getting to help people is literally the only good thing about this.”

“Okay. Fine,” Ben says, putting his hands up in surrender. “We’re superheroes.”

“Hell yeah, baby,” Diego says, holding his hand out for a high five that Ben reluctantly gives him, starting to smile despite himself. 

“We should go back,” Luther says, glancing nervously at the door. “It’s getting late.”

“Oh, come on, it’s only--” Diego starts, and then checks Allison’s watch. “Oh. Shit. It is.”

“Luther, can you carry me?” Klaus whines, as everyone starts to slide out of the booth halfheartedly. His eyes are squeezed shut, fist clenched.

“You can walk like everyone else,” Diego says, throwing a balled-up napkin directly at Klaus’s forehead.

“Yeah...no,” Klaus says, shaking his head, eyes still tightly shut. “If I open my eyes everything starts leaning forward and then I’ll just like...slide backwards off this plane of reality.”

Luther opens his mouth to say something, but just shakes his head and sighs. “Okay. Fine. Sure.” He bends down and picks Klaus up, princess-carrying him out of the diner behind their siblings with Klaus’s long limbs dangling down.

“If you hit me with Klaus I’ll stab you,” Diego says, without turning around.   
  
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Luther says, smiling to himself as he grazes Diego’s back with Klaus’s foot. 

“I’m only not getting my knives out cuz it’s a holiday,” Diego says, putting his hands up and shrugging overexaggeratedly.

“Birthdays aren’t holidays, Diego,” Allison says. “You  _ do _ know that, right?”

“It’s a holiday for  _ us _ !” Diego says. “Get off my ass!”

“He definitely didn’t know that,” Ben says, smiling, and Diego shoves him in the shoulder. 

“I hate this,” Vanya says, softly.

“Hate what?” Allison asks, giving her a concerned look.  
  
“I don’t know, ever since Five, every time we have a...nice moment…” Vanya says, shrugging. “It’s just like, how long until something else goes horribly wrong?”

“You can’t think like that or everything’s always gonna suck,” Allison says, putting an arm around her shoulder. “We’re fine now. That’s what matters.”

“Okay,” Vanya says, nodding, giving Allison a small smile. “Yeah.”

* * *

**17**

After the funeral they all made an unspoken plan to slip out and get as far away as possible, just for the night, just until things felt better or they were too tired to feel anything. The city felt far enough away, so they’re in Central Park, all lying in the grass, empty bottle of vodka lying between them.

There hasn’t been a whole lot of talking, other than Allison hearing a rumor that the liquor store cashier thought she was 21, and Luther politely declining the bottle every time it got offered to him. 

“Fuck dad,” Diego says, finally, picking up the bottle and tossing it, without looking, into the closest trash can and listening to it shatter.

“It wasn’t great,” Luther says. 

“It wasn’t  _ anything _ ,” Allison says, gesturing violently with her arms in the air above her. “When he didn’t give a shit about Five, I thought  _ fine _ , Five disobeyed him, Five was a little bit of a shit--”

“Hey,” Vanya says, softly.

“I mean, am I wrong?” Allison asks. “But Ben, Ben never did  _ anything _ wrong, and dad just--” She scoffs, cutting herself off, and falls silent.

“Fucking  _ bastard _ ,” Diego hisses. 

“He hates us,” Klaus says, sounding dazed. “That’s the only explanation, right? I mean, he must  _ fucking hate us _ .”

“That’s not true,” Luther says.

“We’re an experiment, Luther,” Klaus says, laughing too loud against the night. “We’re goddamn super-rats! He was always gonna run us until one of us just dropped dead. But hey, maybe you’re right. Maybe he doesn’t hate us. That implies he feels  _ anything _ .”

“Stop,” Luther says.

Klaus clears his throat and puts on his best impression of their father. “Children, in light of what has happened to Number Six, you may feel some inclination towards a feeling of sadness or hopelessness. I would advise that you suppress these feelings, as they serve no productive value and will only hinder you. I’ve only ever had one feeling in my life, and that was the frankly incredible spontaneous orgasm I had when I realized I could ruin a whole  _ seven _ children’s lives, and--”

“Being an asshole about dad won’t bring Ben back,” Luther says, voice cracking. “Nothing-- _ nothing _ is gonna bring Ben back, so just...stop it.”

“Stop defending dad,” Diego says. “I get that he pretends to like you, so you’re gonna keep worshipping him, or whatever, but read a room.”

“It’s not his fault Ben died,” Luther says.

“It’s his fault Ben was even in that position,” Allison says. “I’m sorry, Luther, but Diego’s right.”

“I hope Ben’s happier now,” Vanya says, softly, and Klaus starts laughing and doesn’t stop, seizing silently on his side in the grass.

“Klaus?” Diego asks, reaching out and gently nudging Klaus’s back. “You’re freakin’ me out, bro.”

Klaus rolls back over, panting for air, and Diego can barely see tears in his eyes, streaming down his face. “Ben’s not happier now,” Klaus says, and he starts either laughing or crying again, just for a moment. “Why the fuck do you think I can’t stand my powers? No dead people are  _ happy _ . I don’t know about the ones who moved on, but--Ben had unfinished business. He doesn’t  _ get _ to move on. He’s stuck here. The ghosts are  _ angry  _ and  _ cold _ and  _ lonely _ and they stay that way forever. Ben’s never-- _ never _ \--going to be happy. But hey! Neither are we! We’re fucking freaks and we’re--”

“Stop it,” Allison says, voice choked. 

“What? The Rumor can’t handle a little  _ cold hard truth _ ?” Klaus asks, scoffing. “Maybe it’s our fault, y’know? Maybe dad doesn’t love us because we can’t be--”

“She said  _ stop _ ,” Vanya says, reaching out and shoving Klaus hard in the leg. “This isn’t about you, this isn’t about any of us, this is about  _ Ben _ , and you’re being a fucking--”

“Hey, he’s just really wrecked,” Diego says. “We’re all dealing with it our own way, just--let him get it out of his system.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Klaus says, voice ragged and low. “I’m so sick of being ignored.”

“It’s okay,” Diego says, reaching out a hand towards Klaus and pulling him into a hug, lying on their sides. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“What do we do now?” Klaus says into Diego’s shirt.

“What  _ can  _ we do?” Luther asks. “We keep going.”

“No,” Diego says. “Nah, I’m fucking done.”

“What do you mean, you’re  _ done _ ?”

“I mean I’m done,” Diego says, shrugging. “All of this is bullshit. Klaus is right, we’re all just dad’s experiments.”

“What about helping people? I mean, saving  _ lives _ ?” Luther says, trying to put on his best leader voice and sounding like the scared teenager he is.

“This isn’t the only way to help people,” Diego says. 

“He’s right,” Allison says, softly, and Vanya hums in agreement. “Ben hated what we do. Maybe he was right. Maybe we should all just...go.”

“Go  _ where _ , we don’t  _ have _ anywhere else,” Luther says, desperately.

“Yeah, so we go and we figure it out,” Diego says. “That’s what people  _ do _ , Luther.”

“We’re not people,” Klaus says, flatly. 

“Klaus…” Allison starts.

“No, he’s right,” Vanya says. “Dad taught us a lot of shit, but he never taught us how to be people.”

“So we learn,” Diego says. “Look, the rest of you can do whatever, but I can’t stay here.”

“Me neither,” Vanya says, softly. 

“Fine,” Luther says, then more insistently, “ _ Fine _ . Leave. Who cares about helping people, who cares about the Umbrella Academy, who cares about being a  _ family _ .”

“Jesus, Luther, we were never a real family,” Allison says, slowly, voice strained. “Even you have to know that.”

“Do I?” Luther asks, sounding genuinely helpless. “I just--I just wanted to save everyone, I just wanted--”

“I know,” Allison says. 

“You did your best,” Diego says, so quietly the night almost takes it. “But it’s too late. It’s over.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
